Polymathy

I can't remember a time when I wasn't interested in absolutely everything. I mean everything - I might not like, for example, football: but I know a reasonable amount about it. Not knowing things upsets me, and not being good at things does too. It just so happens that I'm pretty much good at anything I try.

I think what depression has taken from me is the trying. I still find things interesting, it's just more...peripherally. If I put on a documentary about something scientific I'll sit there engrossed and find it exceptionally interesting. But rarely will I find myself actually wanting to put that programme on, if that makes sense. I know that I absolutely adore fantasy fiction, but sometimes I'll have a book I really want to read and know I'd enjoy sitting there and I don't start it.

To go from wanting to do everything, and actually doing so much...I mean whilst I was at school, whilst I suffered the worst of the bullying and abuse, I also did - three types of dance lessons, ran online communities, played sports, played in just about every music club there was, acted in plays, did extracurricular work, was an active part of my family and generally in the school community even though it treated me so badly.

These days I'm ecstatic if I manage to pick up a book I've always wanted to read, and that hurts. It makes me feel useless, stupid, and pointless. Take this blog for instance; I know it's cathartic and helpful, but how often do I actually write here?

It spirals off into other things as well, where I don't just fail to do things but I then lose touch with what's going on. The past few weeks, I've felt almost detached from things sometimes. Lying in bed with my boyfriend last night, I just kept on thinking thank you so much for being real. I didn't say it, because how do you explain something like that? But I get up and all that I do is wait for the day to end. I wait for things to happen because I don't make them happen. Even on the days that I get things done - like today I went to an appointment and hang the washing out to dry and got some online things done. I still feel like the day's been utterly empty.

It's like I'm functioning, but my mind's hovering above watching it all happen.