Low Days

I want to try and write something here to help articulate how I am feeling. Usually I'm able to do that. Today I just can't.

I'd even prefer feeling bad to not feeling anything.

Before & After

Before the Paint!

It was a violently horrible shade of vomit green. But this hideous monstrosity of interior design was to be my bedroom. Something had to be done; not least about the fleur de lis stencilling.

And lo, it was!

At the point of this photo it needs another coat, as the blasted fleur de lis are refusing to die the death they deserve. However, my bedroom is now a (much more gorgeous the the picture suggests) shade of damson. The picture actually makes it look brown which is a bit odd, though it is a kind of mocha purple. So the hallway, bathroom and kitchen are also now painted, though not finished - they need a 2nd coat. The living room has had the evil 70s brickwork painted over and the ceiling done. I considered tackling the walls in there this afternoon but having painted all day yesterday (with help), done the bathroom today (without help) as well as a few ceiling touch ups...I was too tired.

My back is not behaving and it makes me sad, as I dislike waking up and going to sleep in lots of pain. But soon I shall have my own safe haven and it will all be better. Next weekend, I move in properly. Hooray.

Six of Better, Half a Dozen of Worse

The money on my decorating card has now come through. Hooray.

On the downside, the DWP continue to be atrocious. I genuinely do not understand how they expect people to live when they are made of such complete and utter fail. So, a few weeks ago my medical certificate expired. I was in Wales at the time but as soon as I got back I saw my GP and sent off the replacement. Whilst I was sending that I decided to be helpful, and send off my new address too - thus saving both me and the DWP time and paper. The form I have to send certificates to them includes a bit for "any other things you need to update us on", so I figured it was the appropriate point to do so.

Over a week passes and I still have no money. I've accounted for slow postage and slow bank transfer but it should still be here by now. So I phone up, and talk to a very apologetic civil servant who explains that because I've changed my address I have to fill out a form (which they're posting to me today) and send that back to change my address. Fair enough, I understand the need to have the regular forms done. However...I don't get any money until I've done that. So I have now not been paid for 5 weeks. Let's be honest, I don't exactly get a lot of money when it does come through. But nothing for over a month? That's not on.

My parents have now had to bail me out twice, I've got debtors ringing me multiple times a day, and oh by the way my disability doesn't just magically disappear when bad things happen. Funnily enough, it tends to get worse.


Deep breaths. Now to go and get money from the council for housing and council tax benefit. Then I ought to start thinking about painting.

Nothing Ever Goes To Plan

So, I now have a flat with electricity, hot water, gas, a real front door (not a metal council security door) and all sorts of other exciting things. Like a hideously dirty floor that I spent hours scrubbing on hands and knees today.

I've even got £200 to spend on paint to redecorate it, on a card that I received today. Unfortunately that card takes 3-5 days to activate. Thus scuppering my plans of a decorating party this week.

Still, it will all work out, just in a different timescale to what I expected.

Of Flats, Furniture and Emulsion

It's undecorated. It's painfully orange. The flooring is broken in the living room. There are 6 different TV cables. It's got prepayment electricity and gas.

But...it's mine. For the forseeable future, anyway - a 6 month contract that will be renewed if I haven't managed to gain permanent housing. I've had a pretty overwhelming couple of days; and it's going to be an even busier fortnight as I decorate it and move in. It's also going to be a huge amount of work, but I plan on having a decorating party next week. Then we can blitz the whole thing and it'll all be done straight away: which would be awesome.

You know what, I'm just really happy, and I think I will leave it at that.

On "Alternative Medicine"

Let us begin, first of all, with a quote.

“By definition”, I begin, “Alternative Medicine”, I continue, "has either not been proved to work, or been proved not to work. You know what they call “alternative medicine” that’s been proved to work? Medicine."

“So you don’t believe In ANY Natural remedies?”

“On the contrary actually: before we came to tea, I took a natural remedy derived from the bark of a willow tree. A painkiller that’s virtually side-effect free. It’s got a weird name, darling, what was it again? Masprin? Basprin? Asprin! Which I paid about a buck for down at my local drugstore."

Amusing Tim Minchin beat poems aside, I agree with him. I use a lot of herbal remedies for things: I do, generally, prefer them to synthesised chemicals. But there is a big difference between synthesised chemicals and mass-processed natural remedies (e.g., the aspirin in the example). I do of course also take multiple types of prescription drugs (SSRIs, HBC pills, anti-inflammatories for my back) - and I am happy to take them. Granted, I will not take a medication unless I make myself familiar with exactly how my body is metabolising it and what it contains. But honestly? That's largely born out of curiosity, and being amazed by the body.

There are some parts of "Alternative Medicine" however that I don't agree with. Water, for example, does not "remember" the presence of some arnica from a long time ago. However, arnica IS very good for preventing and helping to heal bruises. So, topical applications of arnica, great. Arnica tablets? Well those don't actually contain arnica. If they did? They'd poison you. Because arnica is poisonous when taken internally. Those tablets? Don't really contain any arnica. At all.

From my POV, it's not just offensive to me because homeopathy has been scientifically proven to be about  as useful as a placebo, but because I like and use a lot of herbal/natural remedies. To me, homeopathy has created a bad rep for natural remedies because many people lump "Alternative Medicine" into the same pile, whether it works or not. So if I say to someone "why don't you use tea-tree oil as an antiseptic for that" rather than, say, Germolene or similar, I automatically generate an association with things that are just scientifically wrong.

As a disclaimer, I've nothing against the people who use homeopathy because it's worked for them. Granted I might believe that what has actually happened is that you've convinced yourself that you're healing whatever issue it is you've had, by taking the tablets, and your body has healed it accordingly (because the body's capacity to heal itself is pretty damn awesome). That doesn't, however, mean I'm going to rail against you personally for doing something that makes you feel better.

That would make me a little hypocrtitical, because I know that my preference for natural things (even though I happily use man-made products) is largely born out of the feeling that I want to be closer to the world and enrich my relationship with it by relying on it more, and giving back more. That is, essentially, just as flimsy a reason as someone taking those diluted arnica tablets because they don't bruise so much with them. In fact, it might even be flimsier.

However my love for natural things is partially a spiritual thing, so we'll save that particular topic for another post.

A Kind of To-Do List (And How I'll Go About It)

Part of my at-home therapy (things I am doing for myself) includes thinking of a list of things I would like to do for myself/to improve my life. These have been delayed for a long time because I've been homeless, and they've thus not been viable. However it now looks like I'm getting close to actually having somewhere to live, somewhere of my own, so it feels like there's more of a point to things. I was just going to make a list of things, but then figured that if I listed them here people might have suggestions of how to do particular things or other helpful/encouraging comments. So here's a list. I may add to it later.

1. Exercise

It's an obvious one but for some years now, since going on my SSRIs, I've been considerably overweight. I'm 5'4 and weigh a little over 14 stone. This puts my BMI at a rather worryingly high amount. I know that a lot of my mass is muscle; I've retained a lot of the muscles, especially in my legs, that I built up whilst dancing when I was younger. So I'm not too worried about getting right the way down to a normal BMI, because I know I'll always be a bit more. Nor am I obsessive about it. Don't get me wrong - I do think I'm fat and ugly, but I'm not obsessed by it even when it's really, really getting me down. What I hate is the fact that I'm 22 and have a beer belly. Seriously. It's quite horribly bad.

However the main reason for wanting to exercise is because all the women in my family have serious back problems. I've got this too, and lately (the past few years) it's gotten worse and worse. Basically, the core muscles in my back (your lower back, along the spine) don't work properly because the concave of my back is very slightly exaggerated. It all gets confused in the compensating, I think. So swimming is something I want to do because it is supposed to be really good for my back. I am also generally unfit and this will help it. Because I spend my weekends fighting, I plan to try and go swimming three days a week when I can. Of course this means finding a time when the pool is quiet enough that I won't flee in terror. And finding a swimming costume big enough. But on the upside, their disabled membership rates are really good.

2. Eat Better

Kind of related to the first one, I guess. I don't eat badly at the moment. What I am bad at is not making sure that I don't get a balanced diet; this is partly because I live in a house full of meat eaters, so there are not, say, pulses regularly cooked. I usually end up with vegetables + carbs in some form. Now for a start - this is damn boring. Veggie food is awesome, and does not purely consist of vegetables and pasta. Not eating enough pulses and varied vegetables means my vitamin/mineral intake is lacking.

Further to this, making myself eat is one of the things I am worst at with my depression. I think giving myself cooking as a creative outlet would help me with that, because I do enjoy cooking and (like the rest of my family) am pretty good at it. I would like to be better though, if only because my brother's a professional cook and he shows me up a lot! Plus cooking "properly" would encourage me to eat fewer pre-prepared meals and so on. It's a hell of a lot cheaper too.

But this of course is something that I can't do until I'm in my own flat. Though, I suppose I could start planning? I am not sure if this would make my frustration/impatience at not having my flat worse or better.

[Okay I just lost my impulse to write so I'll leave this entry here for now and come back to it when I'm feeling better.]

A Truth Universally Acknowledged

This blog may or may not end up being updated frequently, infrequently, or any point inbetween those two. It would be realistic to expect the middle of those three.

In said blogspace I shall be writing about various things. Mostly, myself, which will likely cover the topics of: mental health, live roleplaying, feminism, and any other number of things important to me. Sometimes I swear a lot or express opinions via CAPSLOCK RAGE!11[/Harry]. This will mostly occur when something has angered me in the news/something I've read/etc.

For now, let's leave it there and wait until I've got some actual substance to post about.