Thus far today has been significantly better than the past few. I've tidied the flat, and last night I got all the washing up done so it actually feels like I'm not living in some sort of sty. I've been listening to music and I'm generally feeling quite alright, actually.
I am not entirely sure that I have a great deal more to say; but I think I am realising that there's only a certain extent to which I can yank myself out of down days. Sometimes days really are just down. It's definitely, definitely worth trying to get out of them when you're in them - but I think I expect that I ought to be able to. It doesn't work like that really.
My support worker will be over in a bit, and it will be nice to sort some things out with her. Then I have raiding this evening, and tomorrow is free of anything. I'm still sleepy all the time at the moment, which is usually because my energy levels are low thanks to being so depressed.
It's not all down though. Will get there eventually.
Wednesday 19 January 2011
Tuesday 18 January 2011
Getting Angry
Last week's psychotherapy session was one of those ones where I left feeling like I'd been twisted inside out and then dragged backwards through a hedge.
One of the things that my therapist said to me during that session was that she was really pleased to see me getting angry. We were talking about - well all manner of things really, benefits and labels and all sorts. I got riled up about things and was swearing and I think I got a bit shouty at one point. It's very difficult for me to do this for a number of reasons. It is my default reaction to blame myself, and that isn't something to get outwardly angry about - I will tend to be frustrated instead. I spend a good deal of my time feeling frustrated actually, because that's what happens when I hide my anger inside instead of venting. I also feel often like I don't have the right to be angry or that no one would want to hear my anger.
So over the past couple of days I've been feeling really quite awful. To the point that I slept for about 20 hours almost straight, and couldn't even bring myself to say how bad I was feeling to other people because I didn't want to be a burden. This relates to something that my therapist and I were talking about, which is that although I have an amazing group of friends I often don't tell them just how awful I'm feeling sometimes. On Sunday I was at LRP and although I was having a nice time, I felt like I was losing control of my head a bit. I was playing a really quite complex character and this might have partially set it off but I don't think it was the sole trigger or anything. I didn't tell anyone, just ignored it and went home when we were done. I pretty much went straight to bed, and that's when I slept for so long.
What happens is that I don't tell people how bad I'm feeling. I mean I tell people I'm feeling down, but not how it feels like someone is crushing my insides and my head won't stop running at a hundred miles an hour. So when I am feeling that bad my friends can't recognise it, and that's not their fault at all. I mean it's not like I've said how bad things are. So why don't I say anything? It's partly not wanting to be a burden, or to get in peoples' way and I worry that they've got more important things to deal with than me. I think it's also because I expect people to not be able to understand. It's a few different things that cause that, including the fact that when I go out into the wider world a lot of people don't understand. Hell, even amongst my friends people don't understand it sometimes.
It's difficult. I feel lonely a lot of the time even when I know I'm not.
One of the things that my therapist said to me during that session was that she was really pleased to see me getting angry. We were talking about - well all manner of things really, benefits and labels and all sorts. I got riled up about things and was swearing and I think I got a bit shouty at one point. It's very difficult for me to do this for a number of reasons. It is my default reaction to blame myself, and that isn't something to get outwardly angry about - I will tend to be frustrated instead. I spend a good deal of my time feeling frustrated actually, because that's what happens when I hide my anger inside instead of venting. I also feel often like I don't have the right to be angry or that no one would want to hear my anger.
So over the past couple of days I've been feeling really quite awful. To the point that I slept for about 20 hours almost straight, and couldn't even bring myself to say how bad I was feeling to other people because I didn't want to be a burden. This relates to something that my therapist and I were talking about, which is that although I have an amazing group of friends I often don't tell them just how awful I'm feeling sometimes. On Sunday I was at LRP and although I was having a nice time, I felt like I was losing control of my head a bit. I was playing a really quite complex character and this might have partially set it off but I don't think it was the sole trigger or anything. I didn't tell anyone, just ignored it and went home when we were done. I pretty much went straight to bed, and that's when I slept for so long.
What happens is that I don't tell people how bad I'm feeling. I mean I tell people I'm feeling down, but not how it feels like someone is crushing my insides and my head won't stop running at a hundred miles an hour. So when I am feeling that bad my friends can't recognise it, and that's not their fault at all. I mean it's not like I've said how bad things are. So why don't I say anything? It's partly not wanting to be a burden, or to get in peoples' way and I worry that they've got more important things to deal with than me. I think it's also because I expect people to not be able to understand. It's a few different things that cause that, including the fact that when I go out into the wider world a lot of people don't understand. Hell, even amongst my friends people don't understand it sometimes.
It's difficult. I feel lonely a lot of the time even when I know I'm not.
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