Right now there are so many things that I'm thinking about, that are burning up inside me and screaming to get out. I could write them all here; I'd be writing for a very long time. Beneath the tumult of thoughts and feelings I know that if I felt like I could talk to people about these things that maybe they wouldn't build up. I know that talking to people helps, that it helps to vent and come to a greater understanding of things by talking it out. Somehow though there's always a catch; I don't want to bother people, I think that the things I am complaining about are too petty, I think that I should just shut up and deal with things myself.
But I can't deal with things on my own. I just can't - and I shouldn't have to, and I know all of these things but that doesn't make it any the less hard to say 'hi, I need help' or 'I can't stop worrying about X, Y and Z'. Often I'll put up a negative tweet or Facebook status, but I'm so hyper-aware of what I'm doing all the time and I don't just see that I need to vent - instead I remember the time that one of my friends let me know that people had been getting annoyed when I complained about benefits/homelessness/mental health on my FB status. For what it's worth, that friend was completely well-meaning and didn't think that I was being out of order at all but that sometimes it was just easier to avoid confrontation. She totally understood the validity and depth of what I was feeling. It was one of those confusingly painful but good conversations.
Anyway. So you know what, maybe I can write everything at once, because if I can think it all at once then surely I can write it all out. It won't make sense and it'll be incoherent and all manner of other things. However, I have the advantage that by writing things here, I'm telling people and I'm not telling people. Because it's in the public domain - but as far as I know no one actually reads this. If I was posting on, say, Livejournal then I'd be aware that people might read it and who those people were. I'd temper things accordingly. Here, I won't. So, here I go: depositing the contents of my brain.
I have run out of money. The gas and electricity are both about to go into emergency credit and I won't be able to add to them until Tuesday. That might actually happen later because I only just got a new sick note yesterday, so if it doesn't arrive by Monday then they might stop my payment. I sent it off yesterday but the post is horrendous at the moment. Two things that I ordered haven't arrived yet. I really wanted that book and I need those jeans because I don't have enough clothes that fit anymore because I've put on so much weight. I'm not even losing weight by living off 12p packets of dehydrated pasta.
On top of that I have a cold, which is not only debilitating and downright miserable but it's stopped me from doing things I wanted to and had promised to do. I haven't seen anyone since Tuesday morning when my boyfriend went home after staying over. I couldn't go to the cinema with my friends today because I felt so sick, I couldn't go see my psychiatrist today because I felt so sick, and because in both cases I couldn't afford to go anywhere. I can't even afford to buy some damn lemsip so that I could get over this cold a bit sooner. I'm really ungrateful and lazy and totally useless. I have so much going for me but I keep ignoring it and just sitting here feeling awful. Why do I just sit here feeling awful and playing computer games when I could be fixing things. But what else could I be doing? It's not like I can go out and get a job and be 100% fine.
One day I want to go to my GP to get a sick note and not be asked "so you'll be going back to work soon" in a way that really isn't a question. I'm sorry I have a mental illness. It's not my fault. I'm sorry that the concept of work is so terrifying that it makes me freeze up and panic. I'm sorry that I am forced to rely on a welfare system that fundamentally does not care about my welfare or health, only about my ability to "function as a contributing member of society". I didn't make the appointment to get my sick note early enough because every time I called the surgery phone would be busy and I'd either get fed up or forget or worry that phoning would cost too much money.
Can I please, please just go FIVE minutes without thinking about money?
Can I have a life where I have some control over things, and when I do try and take back some control like with moving not have a hundred other things knock me over in my attempt to get up out of this hole I'm living in?
Can I please have just a single moment now and then to stop and appreciate all the amazing, beautiful, wonderful, caring and loving people who are in my life and are the reason I'm alive and can't I just love them back without being terrified that they'll leave me or unable to talk to them because I think they'll hate me just like I hate myself.
I don't want to stop being all the different things that I am, I just want them to stop rubbing up against each other so badly. Can't I be confident and intelligent and creative and loving and all the things that I want to be without feeling guilty and ashamed and embarrassed and ungrateful and ugly and wretched.
(It is too soon to know if this has helped or not. Because it kind of hurts. No not kind of. I feel heavy.)
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